How to create a calm bedtime routine for your child

At a glance

• A good bedtime routine means the same steps in the same order every night.
• Screens go off early, and the last hour before bed is calm.
• The final step, at lights out, is short, warm and always the same.
• If your toddler gets up, walk them back calmly with very few words.
• If you promise to come back and check, come back every time.

Why does a bedtime routine help?

A bedtime routine helps a child because it tells them, without words, what comes next and that they are safe. When the steps are always the same, their body and mind learn that pyjamas follow the bath, a cuddle follows the story, and sleep follows the cuddle.

Young children don't have a sense of time yet. They don't know what "in ten minutes" means. But they understand a sequence of familiar steps very well. The routine gives them a sense of control and cuts down on negotiating: you no longer argue every night about whether it's bedtime, because the routine already says so.

The routine helps parents too. Evenings become more predictable, and tense moments come less often.

The routine works best when it's the same whoever puts your child to bed. If bedtime is sometimes Mum, sometimes Dad or Grandma, agree on the steps and the final words. For a child, "goodnight, see you in the morning" said the same way by everyone is a sign of safety.

What should a toddler's bedtime routine include?

A toddler's bedtime routine includes a few calming steps, always in the same order. A simple example:

1. Calm play: puzzles, building, drawing.
2. Bath or wash.
3. Pyjamas.
4. Teeth.
5. Story.
6. Cuddle and "goodnight".
7. Lights out.

A few things make the routine work better:

A picture chart. Draw or stick a picture for each step. Your child can move a peg or tick off each step. That way they can see for themselves what comes next.

Screens off early. The light and excitement of screens can delay sleep. Much of the guidance suggests switching them off at least an hour before bed.

A wind-down time. Dimmer lights, a quieter voice, play without running around.

A comfort object. A small pillow, a teddy or a favourite blanket can make saying goodnight easier.

Calming breaths. "Smell the flower, blow out the candle", a few times, at the end.

Nothing scary. Evening isn't the time for monsters, wild cartoons or frightening stories.

How long should it take?

A bedtime routine should be long enough to settle your child and short enough not to turn into a negotiation. Many families find that 20 to 45 minutes is enough, but your child's doctor can help you find what suits them.

More important than the length is that the routine doesn't grow from one night to the next. One story becomes two, then three, then another glass of water. Agree beforehand: "One story, then lights out." And stick to it.

A fairly consistent bedtime helps too, including at weekends where possible.

What if my child keeps getting up?

If your toddler keeps getting out of bed at night, short, calm and even slightly boring returns work best. The aim is for getting up to bring nothing interesting.

• Walk them back to bed with very few words: "It's sleep time. Goodnight."
• No long conversations, no telling off, no new games.
• Repeat it the same way every time, even if it takes a while at first.
• Praise them in the morning for what went well: "You stayed in bed after the story. Well done!"

Many children feel reassured by a promise that you'll come back: "I'll come and check on you after I've tidied the kitchen." If you promise, come back. Once they learn you always return, they no longer feel the need to come looking for you.

How do I help a child who is afraid of the dark?

A child who is afraid of the dark is helped by being taken seriously, having a little light and feeling they have a plan. Fear of the dark is very common in young children and usually fades with time.

• Listen without laughing at the fear: "I understand, the dark can feel strange sometimes."
• A soft night light can make the room feel friendlier.
• A comfort object can keep them company.
• Avoid saying "monsters don't exist, that's that", and skip "monster sprays", which can suggest there is something to chase away. Talk instead about what is really in the room.
• In the evening, choose calm stories and activities with nothing frightening in them.

Step by step

1. Choose the steps of the routine and their order together.
2. Make a picture chart and put it where your child can see it.
3. Switch screens off early, ideally at least an hour before bed.
4. Start the routine at about the same time every evening.
5. Go through the steps in the same order, with dim light and a quiet voice.
6. Keep the story and the cuddle short and always the same.
7. Say "goodnight" with the same words and turn out the light.
8. If they get up, walk them back calmly with few words.
9. If you promised to come back, come back.

By age

• Ages 1–3: a short, very consistent routine with the same steps and the same words every night.
• Ages 4–5: the picture chart and choosing the story give them a feeling that the routine is theirs too.
• Ages 6–8: a few minutes talking about their day and reading together become the most precious moments.

Words that help and words to skip

Try:

• "After the story, it's lights out."
• "I'll come back and check on you in a few minutes."
• "You choose the story, I choose the time."
• "Let's breathe slowly together."

Skip:

• "If you don't sleep now, no park tomorrow."
• "Up again? I've had enough!"
• "Fine, one more story... and another one."
• "The bogeyman will come if you don't sleep."

Common mistakes

• A routine that grows every night, with one more story and one more drink of water.
• Screens in the bedroom or right up until bedtime.
• Threats around bedtime.
• Very different routines with each adult who puts them to bed.

When to talk to a doctor or psychologist

Talk to your doctor if your child snores loudly or seems to pause in their breathing during sleep, has frequent night terrors, or wakes for long stretches at night over several weeks. The doctor can check whether anything needs looking into.