How to prepare your child for a new baby sibling

At a glance

• Share the news in words your child understands and link the baby's arrival to a season or a familiar event.
• Make big changes (a new bed, kindergarten, the potty) well before the birth or a while after it.
• Keep a little special time just for your older child every day, however short, and give it a name.
• Meet regression after the birth calmly: it's normal and it passes.
• Tell them often that your heart has room for both, and that they can feel love and anger at once.

When should I tell my child about the new baby?

When to tell your child about a new baby depends a lot on their age, because young children don't yet have a clear sense of time.

For a two- or three-year-old, nine months feels like forever. Many parents tell them when the bump starts to show, or when everyone around is talking about it anyway. It's better for them to hear it from you than to pick it up from grown-up conversations.

Link the arrival to something they understand: "The baby will come when it's warm outside again" or "after your birthday." An older child of five or six can be told earlier and can follow the month on a calendar.

If you're not sure what suits your child, ask their doctor or their nursery teacher. They know your child and can help you judge the right moment.

How do I explain a new baby to a toddler?

When you explain a new baby to a toddler, use simple, short and honest words.

"A baby is growing in Mummy's tummy. It will be your little brother or sister. At first the baby will be very small: sleeping a lot, crying, and not able to play yet." That second part matters: many children imagine a ready-made playmate and feel let down when a baby arrives who only sleeps.

Look at their own baby photos together. Tell them how you held them, fed them, and how everyone came to meet them. That way they understand they were welcomed just as warmly.

Picture books about siblings, and a doll they can "look after," help them practise what is coming, at their own pace.

How can I prevent jealousy?

Jealousy between siblings can't be prevented completely, but it can be softened a great deal when the first child feels their place in the family is still safe.

Don't pile big changes around the birth. Moving to a new bed, starting kindergarten or giving up nappies in the weeks just before the birth can feel like "I'm being pushed out for the baby." Do them a few months ahead or wait until things have settled.

Protect their place. Their special things stay theirs. Ask visitors to greet the older child first, before the baby. It's a small gesture, but children notice it.

Offer helping, never require it. Fetching a nappy or choosing the baby's clothes can make them proud, if they want to. Required jobs tend to breed resentment.

Accept mixed feelings. A child can love the baby and be cross with them on the same day. Say "You can feel both. That's all right." Feelings are allowed; only hitting isn't.

Why is my older child acting like a baby?

When your older child acts like a baby after the new sibling arrives, they are usually looking for their place and checking they are loved just as much.

Baby talk, accidents after being dry, wanting a bottle or wanting to be carried are common reactions. They aren't naughtiness, and they aren't a permanent step back. They are a way of saying "I still need you too."

Respond with warmth, not shame. You can cuddle them "like a big baby" for a few minutes, then remind them of the things only they can do. Avoid "You're big now, act like it."

In most cases, regression fades as your child feels they haven't lost their place.

How do I give my older child enough attention?

To give your older child enough attention when you have a newborn, regularity matters more than length.

Choose a short time every day, ten to fifteen minutes, just for them, with no phone and, if possible, no baby. Give it a name: "Maya time," "our time." Your child will look forward to it and feel calmer knowing it's coming.

Let them choose what you do: a book, a game, a quick trip to the park. The other parent or a grandparent can hold the baby meanwhile.

Watch out for small repeated phrases too. A "Shh, the baby's sleeping!" said ten times a day can make a child feel they are always in the way. When you can, find a room where they can play freely.

Step by step

1. Pick the right moment for their age and share the news simply and honestly.
2. Link the baby's arrival to a season or a familiar event.
3. Look at their baby photos together and read stories about siblings.
4. Make big changes well before the birth, or postpone them.
5. Involve them in the preparations, only if they want to: choosing a toy, sorting baby clothes.
6. Decide who will look after them while you're in hospital and tell them in advance.
7. If possible, bring them to visit, with the baby in the cot so your arms are free for a hug.
8. At home, keep their routines and their special things.
9. Start the daily one-to-one time from the first week.
10. Meet regression and anger calmly, and name the feelings.

By age

• 1–3 years: stable routines matter most. Use simple words, keep the same meal and sleep times, and keep them close during feeds with a book or a toy.
• 4–5 years: involve them in the preparations and help them name their feelings. Questions like "What do you think the baby will feel when they see you?" make them feel important.
• 6–8 years: give them a meaningful role they choose, and listen to worries about fairness. At this age, "Why does the baby get that and I don't?" is a serious question that deserves a serious answer.

Words that help and words to skip

• Try: "My heart has room for both of you."

• Try: "You can love the baby and be cross with them on the same day."

• Try: "This is our time now. The baby can wait."

• Try: "Would you like to help, or would you rather play?"

• Skip: "You're the big one now, act like it."

• Skip: "You have to look after your little brother."

• Skip: "Shh, the baby's sleeping!", said dozens of times a day.

• Skip: "Look how good the baby is, not like you."

Common mistakes

• Asking them to behave "like a big brother or sister" just when they need you most.
• Making the older child responsible for the baby, or giving them compulsory jobs.
• Constantly hushing them so they don't wake the baby.
• Comparing the two children, even as a joke.

When to talk to a doctor or psychologist

If your older child becomes very withdrawn, is repeatedly aggressive towards the baby, or regresses for many months, talk to their doctor or a child psychologist.